The Grubtown Daily Herald

What did I do in April? Deep breath. Here goes:

OXFORD AGOGO
After a daytrip to Oxford for a schools’ event near the end of March — a fantastically fun event with the signing queue snaking out of the door — I returned to Oxford for the main festival at the beginning of April. I stayed in student digs in Christ Church College. I had been invited to a black-tie dinner on the Saturday night but, because I thought I’d look very silly in nothing but a black tie (and that I might catch a cold) — I decided to go to the cinema instead. I went to see THE BOAT THAT ROCKED which, amongst others, stars Bill Nighy.

The next day I was in the green room of the literary festival, reading a review of the film in The Observer, only to look up and see Mr Nighy standing directly in front of me. Small world, huh?

Those of us appearing at the festival were all given a piece of Wedgewood pottery. I’m not exactly sure what mine is, but it’s currently on my desk…

…I’ll probably end up giving it to Dotty Hendrix for Christmas.

THAT REMINDS ME…
My lovely personal assistant, Mrs Dotty Hendrix, was seventy — yup, she looks SO much older — on the 1st April. When she came into work, I told her to put her feet up, have a nice cup of tea and then take the rest of the day off. You should have seen her face when I shouted: “APRIL FOOL!”

AND SO TO CAMBRIDGE
It seemed only righ after doing two events in Oxford to do an event in Cambridge for the festival. Travelling up the day before, so as to squeeze in a couple of school events, I was accompanied by Emily (hereafter referred to as ‘E from Faber’). She actually went to university in Cambridge a few years back so was able to show me all the good haunts, where I could dress in a white sheeet and rattle my chains. HAUNTS. GHOST… Joke… Never mind.

The trip gave me a chance to finally meet someone I’d hitherto only known as a ‘Facebook Friend’. Yes, I am on Facebook and, if you’re over the age requirement — thirteen, I think? — you’re welcome to become a fellow Facebook friend. Dotty is also on facebook, but she won’t let me be her friend. I think she’s jealous!

Talking of fellows, fellow Faber author, John Fardell, was in Cambridge with us. His event was immediately before mine so I had a chance to watch it. He had me and E from Faber in stitches. He’s a VERY funny man (and had brilliant hair too!).

Another amusing moment was at the festival launch party where the director said that she ‘wouldn’t give a list of the boring sponsors’ and that there were ‘plenty of tickets still available’, which was a great way of being rude to the people who were helping to pay for the events, and suggesting that sales weren’t that great! Well, it certainly made ME smile.

BBC RADIO GLOUCESTER
With barely enough time to shampoo my beard and pack fresh underwear, it was off to Cheltenham to stay in possibly the best suite in the Hotel Du Vin. One room contained a bed wide enough to fit three of me; two sit-up baths, a walk-thru shower with two shiny chrome shower-heads the size of dinner plates; two basins AND A ROCKING HORSE. I could have smuggled Dotty, Rickets (my faithful retainer) AND Toto (my houseboy) in there, and no one would have been any the wiser! The next morning it was off to the radio studio to help launch TIME WILL TELL to celebrate an impressive 60 years of the Cheltenham Festival of Literature. I’ll be working with six local schools on six different short stories, each based in one of the six decades. Part of the purpose of my appearing on the radio show was to be there for the live draw to see which school would get which decade. It was also an opportunity for me to share my general loveliness with the listening public for which they, and the BBC, were no doubt extremely grateful…

TO DUDLEY AND BEYOND
After Gloucester, I managed to jump on a train to Birmingham and then a into a car to Dudley where I was a guest of the Dudley Children’s Book Group, for an event they held in The Earl’s High School in Halesowen. Although it was 7 o’clock in the evening, Ros and her team had managed to attract an excellent (and very large)crowd and I had a thoroughly enjoyable time. (I trust they did too!) I was introduced by a chap called Trevor who has been in the audience in a number of my events around the country over the years. He also drew/painted an amazing poster of me with various GRUBTOWN characters which, in my humble opinion, is an excellent use of anyone’s time. The signing finallly over, a car drove me to Stratford-upon-Avon

THE BEARD AND THE BARD
Prior to my visit, Stratford-upon-Avon was probably best known for being the home of William Shakespeare (aka ‘the Bard’). Since my superb festival event there, it’ll probably now also be known for ‘the beard’… and, if the technology existed, you’d just have heard Dotty Hendrix snort and she reads this over my shoulder as I type. As with all my trips this month, the organisers were so helpful and friendly, and Faber rep Kim took me for a quick lunch before my train journey to Leeds.

A FINE YORKSHIRE WELCOME
That night, after a fine carvery meal, including Yorkshire pud, of course, I did an evening event for the local children’s book group before being dropped off at my hotel. During my visit, I was looked after by Martin and Sinead who are bigwigs in the Federation of Children’s Book Groups, devoting an enormous amount of their time as volunteers to this excellent cause. They also took me for a fish ‘n’ chips lunch (along with mushy peas, bread and butter and plenty of tea) between events the following day… after which it was off to Hexham.

WAY, WAY UP NORTH
Now, unless you’re extraordinarily brainy, or you live in or near Hexham you may never even have heard of Hexham, let alone know where it is. The easiest way of describing is it, is by saying it’s only about 25 miles from Hadrian’s Wall. In other words, you have to travel to Newcastle, and then keep on going. I did two big events at the literary festival and, after a week of so many events in so many different places, with so much travelling inbetween, almost lost my voice. Organiser Jill was kind enough to supply me with an impressive assortment of throat sucky-things, which I tried over the following days.

So I only almost lost my voice completely. But not quite.

And here ends what-I-did-in-April (leaving out all the bits about doing some actual writing, checking proofs, looking at illustrations and doing my VAT Return)… and May promises to be EVEN BUSIER.

“But why do you give so much of yourself, Sir Philip?”
Another excellent question, to which I must reply: having such an ENORMOUS TALENT as I do, I think it only fair that I share it with as many people as possible, to bring joy to their humdrum lives –

There was that snorting again. I definitely heard SNORTING!?!