The Grubtown Daily Herald

Philip Ardagh

Philip ‘Beardy’ Ardagh is the award-winning author of the Eddie Dickens adventures, currently available in over 30 languages. He wrote BBC Radio’s first truly interactive radio drama, collaborated with Sir Paul McCartney on his first children’s book and is a ‘regularly irregular’ reviewer of children’s books for the Guardian. Married with a son, he divides his time between Tunbridge Wells and Grubtown, where he cultivates his impressive beard.

PLEAE NOTE: If the photo of Philip Ardagh (left) does not appear on your computer, this is a safety precaution because his physical beauty may blind you.

*

That’s the OFFICIAL version. But this what appears in his Facebook Notes. None of the facts below has been checked or verified, though:

“Younger son of Ding-Dong and Liberty Bell, Philip was born ‘Alexander Graham’ but changed his name to avoid confusion with the inventor of the telephone. He had to change it again when it transpired that his first choice — ‘Audrey Hepburn’ — created a whole new set of problems. He settled on the name ‘Philip Ardagh’ because he wanted a surname that was “difficult to spell and even harder to pronounce”.

Though actually born in 1961, due to a typing error, the date on his birth certificate appeared as 1861, entitling him to an old age pension from birth, and meaning that there was no legal requirement for him to go to school. He took advantage of this fact by writing five days a week.

By the age of seven — or one-hundred-and-seven, depending on how you look at it — Philip/Audrey/Graham had written numerous books, including A Tale of Two Cities, which would have been an achievement had Charles Dickens not already beaten him to it.

Philip wanted to join the navy in 1783, but hadn’t been born yet, so decided to join two pieces of string together instead. Unsure at first what method to employ, he settled on a knot. After this, he settled on a branch, which broke, causing him to land with a bump. The bump was unharmed, but the fall resulted in Philip’s now infamous fear of Danish pastries (but doesn’t explain the glasses).

With all hopes of life at sea dashed, Philip donated the webbing between his toes to charity and threw himself into a life of Good Works. This throw DID injure the bump which lost it’s ‘p’ in the accident and became a bum. Sentenced for three years for vagrancy, the bum ended up serving 27 years when Ardagh intervened on his behalf.

Ardagh soon built a reputation for himself on the literary festival circuit. Unfortunately, he’d built it out of egg boxes and was asked to remove it because it was in the way. This resulted in the famous fight between him and Joyce. Ardagh had an unfair disadvantage of being exhausted at having had to dig up Joyce’s body first. Joyce had an unfair disadvantage of being a long time dead. The fight was declared a draw but it was later mistaken for a drawer, and ended up being valued on the BBC’s Antiques Roadshow.

From an early age, Philip suffered from serious typing errors and spent sux yaers off his lyfe in hsptul. He was finally treated and cured by Dr Eduardo Kane who later gained notarity for being a figment of his own imagination.

Philip’s imagination, meanwhile, came into question when it was discovered that a number of his so-called works of fiction were simply copied from the person sitting next to him who had, in turn, simply been writing down what Philip had been thinking. The person sitting next to him was found guilty of witchcraft and burnt at the stake, whilst Philip Ardagh was found a table at the local Berni Inn and given a rare steak and an even rarer recording of Ela Fitzgerald singing for her supper.

Philip Ardagh’s love of good music led to his forming his own band out of modelling clay but creative differences from the outset resulted in his rolling it flat again and making a model of some playful kittens instead. The kittens went on to have a No 1 record in Sweden before being trodden into the carpet all over the house.

Philip Ardagh, meanwhile, turned his attention to luncheon meat.”

TO BE CONTINUED…

PS. Don’t forget to click on the not-so-silly ‘SILLY  Q & A’ .